Aviation Humor

For those that don't know, "The Sled" is the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane
from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane. In his book, "Sled
Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember
a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater)
and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were
monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered
Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did
monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a
of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied.  Moments later, a
Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't
the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an
F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed
readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the
ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how
ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio
transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I
realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in
unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There
was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's
about 2005 mph for those who don't know) No further inquiries were heard
on that frequency.

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to
60,000 feet?  The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't
plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver . He
placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator,
"Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No,
what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get
me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his
chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the
navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk
helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign
"Broomstick One". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"    Delta
351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did
you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to
let the insult go by, came back with: "Yes, I made it out of MD80 parts.
Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air
Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the
dreaded seven-engine approach."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center,
we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have
you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?



O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, 1 o'clock, 3 miles, Eastbound."

 United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."           

 A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" 
 Student: "When I was number 1 for takeoff."      


       A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.     San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.  If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


  A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

 Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
 Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."  

 Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.  Why must I speak English?"
 Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"             **************************************************************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
 Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.  By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.  Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

 Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."  

 ***** ************************************************************************************************************************ 

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.  The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.  Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.  Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.  Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

 Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
 Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha 1-7."

 The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird , do you not know where you are going?"
 Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land." 
 ***** ******************************************************************************************************************************

 While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?  I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!  You turned right on Delta!  Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
 Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God!  Now, you've screwed everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!  You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!  You got that, US Air 2771?"

  "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
  Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.  Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"